This week, over breakfast (aka Suhoor) a friend who I love and regard really highly and I got into a deep convo about self reflection. We started talking about self esteem and flippantly rated how high the other’s self esteem is. We go so far back that neither of us would be offended by the others answers so it was all good.
I love my friend to bits but I (very honestly) rated her a 6. Sometimes she’s super confident and has bouts of self love and sass but then there are other times where our friend circle build her up. Nothing wrong with that at all.
Then it was her turn to rate and she gave me a grand total score of 1.
I had to laugh and ask her again if she was serious and she said she actually was.
The conversation moved on but i found myself thinking about it the next day….and the day after…and the day after that.
When I think of someone with low self-esteem, I think of someone who has a form of opinion on themselves that is extreme. For example, perhaps they can’t stand to look in the mirror because maybe they think they’re too fat or too ugly.
I mean, that’s definitely not me. Sure, I wish I could drop a dress size and that I had clearer (and recently more youthful) skin, but doesn’t everyone?
I’ve never bugged out and called up a friend to dramatically claim “omg I am so fat” (in the style of every 90’s chick flick teen protagonist.
As I’ve been thinking about it more and more I’ve realised that actually it’s my confidence that is really very low.
And I suppose now that I think about it, it totally does affect my life.
The weird thing is, it’s never stood out as “a flaw” to me. I just took it as a personality trait and rolled with it. Now that I’ve really had some time to reflect, my lack of confidence has really held me back. My lack of confidence plays a big role with the onset of my anxiety, and how I deal with attempting to minimise it. For example when it comes to social settings, I’d rather avoid them completely than be mortified at the fact that someone has taken a dislike to me. It’s also held me back from going for different jobs and even taking my driving test. If we’re being completely honest here, I guess I can finally admit that my lack of growth blog wise is mostly down to my lack of confidence with it and putting myself out there for opportunities.
They always say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem and I guess that makes sense; how can you deal with something if you’re not even aware of it, right?
I guess the next question is, what am I going to do about it?
The honest answer would be, I have NO idea.
Aside from throwing yourself into things that are out of your comfort zone how do you build up confidence from scratch?
This post doesn’t have a happy ending or one with a solution where things are magically sorted. I am however working on it.
Currently under re-construction.