Today I’m sat at London Bridge with the Thames and Tower as my view, sun shining and Starbucks at my side. Life is good.
Im spending the next few hours people watching until I meet up with a friend for dim sum and on my journey here I realised that us Londoners really are a species of our own.
Here are 6 unspoken rules that us Londoners just know:
1. We Walk On The Left
I know it and I know you know it. But if you really don’t know it and you stand on the left, i.e. block the way I may or may not (probably won’t) be using to walk up then please note that you have now ruined my entire day. I won’t tell you this, of course, but the sheer sound of my sigh will be enough to cause the whole of London Underground to collapse in on itself.
2. We make no eye contact
Don’t do it. Smiling and/or staring is also punishable by public flogging at the Tower of London. You can share a look with a stranger only when the tube is excessively delayed, that too must be followed swiftly by a shake of the head and roll of the eyes. In that order.
3. We don’t ever push those buttons that say “open” on the tube doors
That’s for muggles, or as we like to call them “tourists”.
4. Only We Criticise This City
To anyone else who tries – U wot mate??
5. We Hate TFL
Even if we don’t, we just do. Even when they’re good, they’re just not.
6. No strolling
Dawdling in the streets of London is just not tolerated. You will be met with several tuts or even worse quiet utterances of dismay. Walk everywhere with purpose, even if you have no idea where you’re going, take big strides until you do.